10 years ago I left my marriage. It was Good Friday which I always thought was ironic. There was nothing good about that day back in 2014. It was all hard. I left. It wasn't the first time I left. But what made this time any different?

As I drove out of town I remember the way the sun was hitting my platinum solitaire diamond ring as I drove West. The ring of my dreams. It was reflecting into my eyes and made it hard to see.

I was driving to New Mexico which was something I often did when I needed to think. To get perspective. To clear my head. To literally not have cell service. To wrap my mind around whatever was going on. To push out all the other voices telling me what I "should do" and try to hear my own voice for once. I got as far as Amarillo, TX and turned around. I realized I needed to face this head on. I drove back to Waco. I did.

I always get in a funk around this time every year. For years, I had a history of going to my primary care doctor and getting my hormones or blood levels checked. "Maybe it's low iron?" ... "Vitamin D deficiency?" ... "My energy is low"... "I can't get out of bed." .... "Autoimmune disease?" It wasn't until one year she was reviewing my chart and said, "you come in around this time almost every Easter with the same symptoms. Did something major happen around Easter one year?"

It clicked. I realized it was my body remembering.

I'm happy to say this year my blood levels are great and my hormones are balanced. My primary care doctor said two weeks ago, "I would give you a gold star if I could."

Cool....but it has been a decade. A freaking decade! I never thought I would be single for 10 years. I thought I would date for a couple years, fall madly in love, and get remarried. I didn't. So imagining my next decade: Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be doing it with? How do I want to be spending my time? Do I want kids? Where do I want to raise them? Am I too old now?

We all grow up. We all change. Life happens. Our needs change. My needs are not the same as when I was 21 years old picking out wedding invitations.

Some couples grow in the same direction toward the same sun. Others grow apart and want different things for their lives. And sometimes one grows and the other doesn't. I've learned every couple and their situation is different. It doesn't make them or us bad people. Just human.

Our plans don't always work out. For me, often times the side roads I have taken have taught me more and been more life-giving than the main highways I was supposed to take.

My entrance essay for Juilliard (which is one of my favorite pieces of writing I have ever written) started with this quote from Thelma and Louise, "You get what you settle for."

We are all works in progress/process. Hopefully moving toward being and living as our authentic selves. I think we do as best we can with the skills and resources we have at the time. I am proud I have way more tools in my toolbox for navigating disappointment and hard conversations these days.

But there are 3 conversations I wish I could go back in time and redo with the skills I have now. I think the outcomes would have all been the same but I would have shown up differently.

Learn from the past and change it next time. Be your authentic self and show up as you with all your feelings. Do life with people that align with your values. That's all we can do.

Happy Good Friday,
Amy